Pains of Semi Adulthood

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Yesterday was not my day. The morning started off fine but by 10am I was in full on panic attack mode. To someone that doesn’t suffer from anxiety this idea of crippling fear due to some unknown force is strange and seems like something out of a fairytale.

It’s been a whirlwind few days since receiving my college reunion letter. I’ve felt all sorts of emotions – excited, scared, nervous, embarrassed — you name it, I’ve felt it. I can’t help but thinking how my life would be different if I had stayed in New York or followed in my family’s footsteps and been a dentist. Would I be happier? Would my life be easier?

I moved away from New York in 2014 to try new things and just explore. I ended up in Bozeman, Montana. Overall, the move was a great decision for my mental health. I tend to be happier and have less panic attacks than before. But I still can’t help but wondering what if.

In the days since getting that reunion invite my panic attacks have been destroying my life. Those “what ifs” are plaguing my everyday thoughts and making it hard to complete everyday tasks. I feel like my life is out of my control and I’m just along for the ride. I look at everyone else’s life and wonder how did I end up so far behind, am I even far behind? What constitutes being far behind in life? You know how in high school some people hit puberty way early and you were stuck wondering if you would ever get boobs at all? That’s how I feel about my life. I do have boobs though I swear, I might have been a senior in high school when I got them but they did finally arrive. So maybe just like my late arrival of boobs, I am also a late bloomer in life?

Who knows. For now, I am just trying to survive and advance while trying to keep my anxiety under control. Anyone else feel this way?

– The Lost Millennial

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